There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
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i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.