I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
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My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Two types of dogs.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff