I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
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For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.