FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
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I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.