When someone asks if I have any hobbies
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Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
There are no pants in heaven.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of