Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 馃幎am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 馃幎am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 馃幎am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
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Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Someone sent this to me and it鈥檚 bone chilling in its accuracy
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son鈥檚 soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
professor x: what鈥檚 your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
181.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we鈥檙e selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
SHARK鈥攊 bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS鈥攈old my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You鈥檙e adorable
Married: We need to talk
Just remember鈥nce annoying family arrives, the only side dish you鈥檒l need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I know you all think *I鈥檓* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister鈥檚 house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
“Huge”.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I鈥檝e never met a toddler before
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing