[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
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who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine