Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
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My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.