Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
You Might Also Like
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
me, too, girl. me, too.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.