Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
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Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
School be like
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*