[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
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’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.