After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
You Might Also Like
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
That’s classic.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
This headline is a thing of beauty
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”