Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
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Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible