PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
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ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
If snakes were wide
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
This probably isn’t good
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.