*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
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CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
When I can’t barge, I careen.