There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
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If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
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