ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
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grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine