The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
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If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.