Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
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Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.