Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
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Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.