But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
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Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl