Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
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The best plant holders?
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
socratic questions
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together