Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
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Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.