dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
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Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
I’d use my best pan on you.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
three things we don’t talk about
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft