He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
You Might Also Like
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Anyone really
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
you will never know the true number of layers
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right