Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
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Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.