Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
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My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
HOW DARE YOU
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies