Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
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People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
When they try to steal your moment.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.