*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
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My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.