I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
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Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap