Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
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“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Message from the dog groomers
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down