Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
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day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively