i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
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I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Every BBC series about the universe.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
#MeanwhileinCanada
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
sir, my pâté if you please
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.