Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
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got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Last-minute gift idea!
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons