Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
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Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Not helping
Ion see the issue
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.