monday
You Might Also Like
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.