You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
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(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
San Francisco has too many rules
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
I get distracted pretty eas
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.