Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
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The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no