[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
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Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
iPhone X
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”