my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
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Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone