My diet starts in January
of 2027
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My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Nice try Hitler
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.