Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
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Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Home is where your toilet is.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.