ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
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I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.