COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
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It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.