My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
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~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
My Plans 2020
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye