Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
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Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
That earthquake could have been an email.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.