Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
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When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.