Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
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Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
The old gods are rising again.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars