-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
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You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips