Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
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I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.